Birds and the Bees

Picture this: a perfect Saturday afternoon & a delishiously extravagent one-year-old's birthday party (complete with a Moon Bounce, Slip-n-Slide, beanbag toss, piñata, shall I go on?) and me, attempting to make a descent first impression on my bf's cousins and in-laws, whom I am meeting for the first time. I think I do fairly well, no major issues. Until, that is, I am threads away from dropping my pants. Yea, I said it. Drop my pants.

I'm relaxing on the deck watching the cutest group of kids I've ever seen experiment on the Slip-n-Slide. Going backwards, attempting to use a boogie board, doing flips and the like. Deciding that an hour of this is quite enough, I head inside to check out the baby situation. All of a sudden, from within my pants comes a throbbing sting (just keep reading, you sick-o). Then another. I figure I'll run outside and pull up my pant leg to let the stinging culprit out. Except he gets stuck. And mad. More stinging.

By this time I'm freaking out - any sort of bug in my pants will make me cry and scream like a schoolgirl, but one that stings is another story. People are standing around watching this whole charade and I figure the only way to get the bee out is to take my pants off. You thought I did, didn't you? Naw, I ran into the bathroom and pulled my pants down the little buzzer hits the floor, all mangled from being smooshed against my leg. My leg: throbbing and stinging and spotty. I put my pants back on and, holding my tears back, I asked for a plastic bag and some ice. I'm told that meat tenderizer will work or I can go outside and rub dirt on it, but I really wanted to take my pants off because it felt like there were bees all in my pants, still stinging. So someone brings me a huge chunk of ice to put in a little sandwich bag, which didnt fit. Oh my God I just need ice in a bag! Its like I hit every red light.

Ah, finally! I took my baggie and ran upstairs and removed my pants. Insisting that my pants were infested with bees, I made Scott turn them inside out twice and hand-inspect the inside and outside for bees and stingers. Pants back on, I suffered through cake, ice cream, opening gifts from 40 people and jumping in the moon bounce myself.

Now that the swelling and itching has begun, I see that I have at least 5 stings that feel like mosquito bites. Funny, I don't recall that a bee sting itches. But I also don't remember what I had for breakfast.

Image: The Queen Beekeeper by Jennifer Trotter